I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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