Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
