nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
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I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
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My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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