This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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