Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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