if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
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