the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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