who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
