The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
