I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
