My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
