Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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