I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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