my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
