I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
