Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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