Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
