I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
