Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
