Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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