the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
