I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
