i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
