He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
