i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I wish there were birth control emojis
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
