There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
