i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
