if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
