Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
