i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
