i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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