my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
