I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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