My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
