i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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