note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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