If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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