i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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