You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He did a backflip because drugs
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
