lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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