Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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