The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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