I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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