Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
