that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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