it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Be still, my beating vagina.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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