finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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