i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
