a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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