woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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