So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
