Four minutes until I can fart!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize