Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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